she was so not down for the gang bang
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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