oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize