what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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