the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
