I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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