You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
