Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
