The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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