i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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