well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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