I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
