I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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