also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
