did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
