Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
