when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
