remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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