Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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