someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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