I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my being single is dangerous.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
