Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
They have beer where we have blood.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
