I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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