She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
