I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
