So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
