How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
