when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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