I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
