what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
