Already got asked if we're dating
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
