Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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