I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
even my farts smell like vagina
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
