shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
