I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
