When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
