If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
