so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
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I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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