the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
