you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
