why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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