Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
