This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
