there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
