also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
