I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
