Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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