Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Randomize
