I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I see more hoeing in ur future
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