U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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