Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
