when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
