good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
