i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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