dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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