If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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