Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
