Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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