This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Are my feet made of real feet?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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