I wanna bring you to show and tell
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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