My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
