Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
