Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
