i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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