I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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