Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
